I’ve started 2013 twice now: once at the proper time, on January first, and then again later that month when I decided that I didn’t really want to continue a year that started with a pretty major disappointment.
This fresh new 2013 (2Q13?) is a few weeks old now. It’s been strange and disorienting, but also pretty beautiful. One of the hard things about falling (or being jerked abruptly) out of love is that suddenly a thing that imbued your life with a lot of loveliness is completely, irretrievably gone. At first, it’s easy to confuse the loss of a very important source of joy with the loss of all joy — the world, for a moment, is ugly, small, and empty.
But then, of course, it isn’t. The really wonderful, impossible thing about heartbreak kicks in: being alive starts to become lovely again in very unexpected ways. At that point, you almost become thankful for the terrible rupture: it lets you be reborn, and whatever happiness you can find is new and wholly yours. I felt really enlivened and illuminated by being in love; it’s painful but exciting to find a way back to that feeling on my own.
I don’t think of myself as a particularly serene person: I get angry too often and too intensely for that. Being angry feels awful, though: even when someone has hurt me pretty deeply, thinking about how furious I am makes me feel diminished, not righteous or strong. So instead, I’m really focusing on everything and everyone I’m thankful for. It’s a pretty long list.
I think this year is really going to be something good.
szyzy 